I used to think 2014 was my worst year, but now I’m almost convinced that 2015 is taking the cake. However, I refuse to enumerate the reasons I think so for fear of sounding shallow and a snob. Just to clear things up, I am.
But there’s something I learned from my being in limbo here in Leyte. Incidentally, when I say limbo, I’m almost literally stagnant. I wake up, eat breakfast, sleep, wake up for lunch, take a nap, have dinner, flip through channels until I get sleepy, sleep. Repeat it all the next day. If I could find a gun, I might have the courage to pull the trigger. It’s scary that I’m not exaggerating.
Going back, I learned something from my almost 3-month stasis at home; the glaring fact that I’m a bundle of contradictions. My moods are frequently unpredictable that even I can’t keep up with me.
I’m Singularly Multiple
How do I even begin to explain this? When I face a work assignment, a beauty pageant, or a school project, I attack it with single-minded focus. I never stop until I’m satisfied with what I put out. It’s probably the reason I got raving reviews on my thesis, which I did on my own (note: I was the only student in our year who did her thesis solo). It’s probably the reason I succeeded organizing PR and sales events in Boracay and Cagayan without so much as an assistant to help me. It’s probably the reason I won a beauty pageant despite not being a standout beauty (I ate the microphone like it was chocolate pudding).
And it’s probably the reason I flopped down exhausted and drained after I gave up on those things. Like Anne Boleyn tirelessly seducing Henry VIII, I tirelessly courted success in the things I got myself involved in that I ended up with my head cut off. Yes, I did manage to seduce a king but I ended up soulless and headless.
My singular focus in multiple interests became my undoing. Like the oldest saddest cliché, you can only serve one master at a time. By trying to excel in almost everything, I did not thrive in a single pursuit.
I’m an excellent writer (or at least I like to think so), but because my attention is divided in my sewing and designing, I can’t seem to continue writing the next 10 chapters of several novels I started. I’m a good designer, but because I’m so obsessed with the movies and TV shows I blog about, I can’t seem to focus my energy in pursuing the fashion business. I’m so distracted with all the fiction novels I devour every week that I can’t commit to launching my own fashion blog.
I have all these half-hearted pursuits that, for the life of me, I can’t seem to pick which ones to focus on at a single time. Each part of me that enjoys writing, designing, blogging, sewing is desperately grappling to be the dominant side of “Godece”. It’s like WWE inside me, only less bloody but more brutal.
I’m Scarily Happy and Depressive
Anybody who has known me for at least a year knows that I have one defining characteristic: moody. And I don’t say that lightly. Some people who are “moody” have occasional bouts of rage and that’s it.
My “moody” happens on a daily basis, with at least three to four emotions flitting through me like hummingbirds. In the morning, I’d be bouncing off the walls ready to take on the day, humming as I cook my pancakes. But before 10am hits, I’m down to a cripplingly depressive energy that I find it hard to get up from my morning nap, being all sad and blue and shit. When afternoon hits, I’m crying over some romance novel I’ve read and being all mopey about life and love. By dinner, I’m back to being all talkative and funny and energized. By the time I’m washing the dishes, I’m irrational and raging and punching pillows for some unnamable offense.
It’s a wonder I haven’t had a heart attack yet. All these emotions and hormones coursing through me must take its toll sometime.
I’m a Vapid Geek
Not a lot of people know this, but I’m a geek, a nerd. At least I think so (although I have good reason to think that I am).
I’ve read all Star Wars novels, watched all 6 Star Wars movies. I’ve read all LoTR novels, including The Hobbit and The Silmarillion, watched all Middle Earth movies. I understand Klingon to some extent, I can write Sindarin and basic Morgoth and write in Elvish script. I’ve read all A Song of Ice and Fire novels, watched and obsessed all Game of Thrones seasons, and learned Dothraki and Valyrian (though I’m still not as fluent in Valyrian as I’d like to be). I know the difference in universe building, plotline, morality tales, and character arcs between Marvel superheroes and villains and DC superheroes and villains. Anybody can quiz me about any movie in any genre and I’d have the answers. Same for TV shows (and it’s so scary that I watch SO MANY of them). And let’s not include all the books in my personal library. The only thing I haven’t geeked about yet is anime, though I’ve watched Naruto, Rurouni Kenshin, Inu Yasha, Ayashi no Ceres, Rin: Daughters of Mnemosyne, and Vampire Knight. Am I a nerd? Yes, that’s very likely.
But unlike most nerds who are purists, I do enjoy shallow and mindless entertainment material. Incidentally, purists would scoff at the Twilight books and movies, refuse to read 50 Shades of Grey, detest the Kardashian clan, or keep their TVs sacred by refusing to watch reality shows and cheesy WWE wrestling. But no, I actually enjoyed the Twilight books and obsessed about them for about two years. I’ve read all 50 Shades books and genuinely enjoyed them before I realized how idiotic they were. I find the Kardashian clan cute and really fun to watch. I also enjoy other reality shows like The Bachelor, Great Food Truck Race, Masterchef, Hell’s Kitchen, Survivor, etc.
As much as I’d like to call myself a purist and stick to high quality TV, movie, and book materials, I enjoy, at the same time, all those shallow B movies, cheesy paperback romance novels, and incredibly vapid reality TV shows. They’re definitely guilty pleasures that, before this, I would never admit to having.
This blog post is probably the most personal entry I’ve written so far. I rarely admit to myself that I’m self-contradicting or moody because, obviously, it’s not something to be proud of. But I guess this is part of my process; part of how I’m working on all my issues and boxing them up one at a time. I want to be able to look at them from a perspective and learn how to be less negative and scatterbrained.
Oh wait, did they actually kill Glenn in The Walking Dead? WHAT THE ACTUAL F*CK!